Getting Through Christmas (for Dummies)

   Rock the X-Mess Bells by RealDukeBuzzy

Enjoy the show.

Warning: Christians beware. The following post contains references to Jesus that stand in stark contrast to hundreds and hundreds of years' worth of prophetic tinkering. So you'll be offended on some level or other.

Just remember: I'm not doing this to ruin Christmas or run a personal attack on God. It's just some innocent fun and a poetic expression of how much I hate shopping.

What Christmas is all about.

The reason it's in December? That's a different story.

The Meaning of Christmas

Christmas is a time for family.

Time to take 3 days off, hang with the family for a day and a half (and enjoy Mom's cooking for the first time in you-forget-how-long), then head back to your awful life. Won't even have time to watch "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" or the Charlie Brown thing. Just run up, say "Merry Christmas," open a couple boxes, then head out again.

Then take a day to recover. Need a holiday to get over the Holidays.

...and to recycle the tree.

On the other hand: Christmas is a time for stressing out, working your tail off, taking whatever spare time is afforded you to shop til you drop, drinking yourself into a stupor, telling the Legend of the Space Baby for a couple days (followed by an account of the 3 Chinese guys who brought the baby presents), and trying not to offend your Jewish, Hindu, Muslim, Atheist and/or Pagan brothers and sisters by wishing them a Merry Wrong Holiday.

That's the Grown-Up version. Sort of.

It is also a time to preserve the myth of Saint Coca-Cola for anybody under the age of 7 years.

Grinchy? Maybe. Yeah, probably.

Wait... Don't you have to steal shit to be the Grinch? Well... I did steal all these pictures, technically.

Recognizing the value of a tradition reaching back over a millenium (maybe longer, as sources are sketchy) of giving gifts, I like the notion of reminding people in your life that you love them and want them to be happy.

It's a good way to get through the winter's darkest days. Christmas comes just when you need it the most. Being human, we can't be expected to do it every day, so it's a good idea to have at least one day a year devoted to this.

Thank God it's only one day. The preparations for it are such a cacophony of commercialism, avarice, hostile crowds, foot pain...

An architectural marvel, a towering work of art, a testament to the power of Capitalism, and a mad pain in the ass to walk through in December. But it's no American Wal-Mart, so at least there's no pepper spray.

If every day was Christmas, I'd be swinging a tire iron within a week. It's a good annual holiday. Happy to keep it that way, and I'll look forward to it every year til I die, the world ends, or civilization falls apart.

Whatever happens first.

But if I hear another crappy pop song with the word "Christmas" in the title, I'm gonna go all word-stabby on some singer. Michael Bolton, I'm looking at you.

The SNL skit was funny and all, but I'm still mad about having to put up with you at work all last Christmas.

Peace on Earth, and good will for now.

See you in another present...