If You're Crazy and You Know It, Change Your Life.

"Am I crazy?"

This is the question every dreamer should ask. Don't just ask yourself either; one way or the other, you'll probably get the wrong answer. If you're as I am, you've got people around you to ask.

And don't underestimate the value of a good psychiatric professional in this area; contrary to popular belief, most of them know what they're talking about.

I wasted a lot of years thinking I was crazy. Trouble was I didn't know I was crazy until my mid-20s. After all, knowing is half the battle. And it's only the first of many battles.

Once you know you're crazy, you can set about getting sane.

Once you know you're crazy, you have a better idea of what kind of crazy you are. Once you know what kind of crazy you are, you can find out the necessary steps to eliminating that craziness from your life. And once you start, you're going to find you're a lot crazier than you thought.

I don't mean to say we're all nutters. We're not. Only about 98% of people are actually mentally unbalanced. The rest of us are rational, compassionate, purpose-driven and successful. But for that 98%, life is a process of aspiration and disappointment... or complacency and laziness... or success and disappointment.

That last one might need some explanation.

Ever accomplish a goal? It's a good feeling for a while. Ever accomplish a goal, only to realize it was illusive and empty? Much more common, no? And then you go "Wait... I got part of that wrong." So you go and attempt the same thing with minor adjustments. And then you are successful and disappointed again.

There's nothing wrong with your methods if they are successful. It's your premise (i.e. goal) that needs replacing.

This is what success looks like for many. Again, everything depends on what you want to accomplish.

A very wise man once told me "The root of all evil is illusion." Wasn't a Buddhist either. This was a Dominican friar, if it matters.

Another wise-ish man (Plato) said that you can't know something is wrong and choose it anyway; the human mind can only choose something if the mind first perceives it as somehow good.

Pretty much the same thing.

If you perceive something bad as something good, you'll pursue it until you get it... or until you give up in despair. If you still think it's good and you still pursue it, you will face the cycle of successful disappointment until you recognize that this thing just ain't right for you.

You could say that - in these circumstances - you are trapped in the "well-lit cell of a single idea." (Thank you GK Chesterton)

And this means you're crazy.

Conversely, you can relentlessly pursue something that IS good and right for you for years without positive results. In that case, it's your method that needs an overhaul. Obviously. This is a lesser form of crazy, and is more easily addressed...

It isn't a lot easier, but there's a simplicity in overhauling your entire focus in life that makes it much more difficult than just changing your approach to the same thing.

In other words, it's a lot easier to jump another Path to Heaven than it is to allow your entire notion of Heaven to be obliterated and replaced by Nirvana or Reincarnation or simple Oblivion. But it might be necessary for the sake of your sanity.

That make sense? It did to me, but I'm crazy.

Moving on...

Before I forget, it's also crazy to keep asking yourself if you're crazy. I mean, really. That's just an obvious crazy-loop.

So how do you know if you're crazy? One way is to keep and review a journal. If you go back and find you've written the same thing over and over ("All work and no play," for instance), you're probably certifiable.

Heeeeeere's Tautology!!

If you find success and feel empty, you have two choices: Either change up you goals, or keep running in circles. The first is the sane response, while the second is even crazier than not noticing in the first place. The truth will set you free, but not before it smashes your expectations into sub-atomic particles of terrifying mystery (see Heaven and Oblivion, above).

If you find that success has been elusive, there's still a possibility that your goals are crazy; but you won't know til you change your method. Til then, you're just kind of crazy.

Just try looking at the world from a different angle.

If you read this and laughed it off, my guess is you're part of the 2% who were never crazy... or you were crazy and you got better. In that case, leave your name and contact info in the comments section, and prepare for a barrage of questions.

Enough! I go now into my own loop of self-preservation and self-destruction... In other words, I'm off to get ready for work.

People I Emulate Tonight... and the Matrix

Yes, I watched the English-language leaders' debate last night. No, I'm not going to rant about it. I'll leave that to better men. I'm on a whole 'nother trip today.

In my little ongoing fight against negativity, I encounter personal obstacles, like anybody else. Too often (as in all the time with occasional breaks) I allow these distractions to take the place of focus. Eyes fall from the prize and become the contest. This is bad.

On the Job (the one that pays the bills), it's a matter of confronting the things I do not want & trying to find the lesson and/or joy in the moment; this is something with which I have always struggled, but at which I'm getting better. It can be carried too far though. This has reached the point of distraction.

From what?

Off the Job, I am recovering from the Job. This is typical, no? I still have ambitions in me that won't let up, and I am increasingly distracted from them by the thing that's keeping me alive to pursue them.

Sound familiar?

Once in a while, I encounter someone on the Job who reminds me what I'm doing on this planet. A couple days ago a woman thanked me for the beverage I had prepared with speed and precision. I answered that it was my karma to do so. She said "Only if you truly embrace it."

Let's get it straight here. I take my pathetic little Job with a contradictory combination of seriousness and salt. There are many things I'd rather be doing (maybe hundreds, although I tend to lose count after 3), so I do the work as quickly as I can; this is the speed factor, and gets me out of the place at the earliest time I can manage. I also have a lot of respect for my coworkers, and do my utmost on the Job to make sure the one who follows me is in the best possible position to do their Job.

This blend of speed and dedication is what I like to call "efficiency." I learned it all by myself, and have no one to thank for it... unless there's a Divine Presence that teaches us things no one else can teach us (a possibility I am unable to entirely discount).

For the parts of life that fall outside the Job, I have to thank many people for their inadvertent lessons to me. Here's a sample:

Isaac Ellis: Your transformation over the past year has been something to behold. The laughing lotus I see today is a far cry from the onion who was trapped in the gravitational field of a singularity yesterday... not to put too fine a point on it. Thank you for the lessons in courage and honesty with the self.

Mindbender Supreme: I know your frustration with this planet knows no bounds, and yet you maintain a core of peace and love that would send Neil Young into envious convulsions. Thanks for the lessons in excellence.

Lexx Analog: I don't know where you get your energy from, but I want 2 of whatever you're on.* You are the best kind of shameless, the most dangerous kind of tireless, and have the coolest mutton chops this side of Wales. Thanks for the lessons in persistence... and the photos. :D

MC FUBB: Quite possibly the most slept-on Hip-Hop artist in the Dot, you seem to go about your hustle in the background of every music event - not pimping yourself out from the rooftops, but quietly engaging mofos one at a time, on the spot as they approach. Thanks for the lessons in patience.

C-Lo: A journey begins with a single step; this we know. A journey is comprised of many steps; this we also know. What steps must be taken towards the end of the journey? This we must learn by trial and error (emphasis on error for most of us). And without a self-drawn road map, we either run around in circles or follow somebody who might be a bigger fool than we imagine. Some of us get discouraged after having followed many fools and run in many circles. Thank you for helping me to define the steps between the starting point and the destination... and for being the best girlfriend in human history.

James Pew: I have been a witness to many of your more recent triumphs and defeats. Your dedication to the Independent movement is clear, even when you are beset with personal crisis. You are a man of obvious strengths and weaknesses, and your struggle to balance them is exemplary. Thank you for the lessons in single-mindedness.**

There are many others, obviously. I know more than 6 people, and they all teach me things without trying to. I might even have to start another blog some time, and just call it "The Gratitude Express" or some shit like that.

In any event, the moment is telling me it is time now to stop talking about it and DO it. So, you know... See you later.

*Turns out it was just coffee.

**Single-Mindedness (noun): The discipline of keeping one's goals in focus and remaining dedicated to them, without necessarily disregarding the rest of reality. See also "keeping things in perspective."

A Brief History of the Present

I heard this years ago on Ministry's "Jesus Built My Hot Rod." I think it's a sample from a movie about driving big trucks, but it reverberates throughout many chambers of the mind:

"Where you come from is gone; where you thought you were goin to weren't never there, and where you are ain't no good unless you can get away from it." - unknown

Translation: The past is over, the future ain't real, and the present is so fleeting as to already be the past.

If you don't keep moving and attentive, you live in the past, and you're over.

If you over-think the future, or you're living somewhere that ain't real. And the present constantly escapes you.

And right now the present is calling me to preparations for the immediate future.

This update brought to you by the past. See you in another present.

Worst. Move. Ever. Sort of.

This is the part where I bitch about something for a while and then find the humor in it.

Two days ago I moved with my girlfriend into the apartment we will now be sharing with my brother. That's the short version. If you don't want the long version, skip ahead to the last paragraph.

First, I woke up to my sweetheart (and pillar of strength) moderately freaking out because the phone had been disconnected 12 hours early (and with it, the internet). The people coming to help us now had no way to ring the doorbell, since our intercom came through the phone. One of these people was the gentleman who would be driving the 24-ft truck. Fortunately, when she went down to the building's office to see if she could use their computer and/or telephone, she found the aforementioned gentleman wandering about the lobby somehow.

Apparently, renting the truck was also temporally set back because the staff at Budget take a long time in the bathroom. Not judging; this is just what I've heard.

So this set us back an hour.

During this time, I had been running around my neighborhood looking for a store that (a) was open, and (b) had a supply of packing tape. We had gone through two rolls of the stuff & still had some boxes to seal. This mission took an hour. I then sealed the boxes and spent about 20 minutes wondering why the truck had not yet arrived.

From there I went to the superintendent (really nice guy) to explain why we weren't filling up the elevator we'd booked 4 weeks previously for 10AM (it was 10:20 AM when I offered the explanation). He had no problems with this, and set it up for me. So I started moving whatever I could carry myself into the loading bay at the back of the building.

Fast-forward to 11:15 AM. We've got 45 minutes until our time for the elevator expires, and 75 minutes until our time with the elevator at the new building expires. The truck has arrived, and so have the other three people helping us.

Of course we went over the allotted time. Of course we did. By an hour and a half, give or take a bit. The people moving in behind us were very understanding. We worked out a system by which we would bring our gear down from the 15th floor, empty it, load up their stuff, haul it to the 29th floor, go back to the 15th, load up, and repeat.

Truck loaded, we reckon the glitches are all out of the way and we can just get to the new place and unload without incident. We get there just as our reserved time for the elevator expires.

All parties involved realized what the situation was, the fact that it "is what it is," and that we had to just proceed and get the shit done.

Now this new building has a really interesting loading bay. For starters, it's in FRONT of the building, not behind. And it comes off a narrow, crescent-shaped driveway - which is not conducive to driving really big trucks. Good news is we got the truck in, and it only took about 20 minutes. Bad news is, we took the side off an SUV across the street on the way.

This is when my brother had his first panic attack of the day.

I think it was 4:30PM when I blacked out. I have vague recollections of people giving me water and muffins. Images of stone walls, police cars (and what I'm told was a wonderful officer with a knack for diffusing volatile situations), a screaming crazy lady with porn-star sunglasses (who, I'm told, owns the truck we hit, and has not been educated in the art of getting more flies with honey). There were panicking friends and relatives, friends reworking their personal budgets for the next month, my girlfriend bursting into tears after realizing the cat has been in a carrier the whole time (and probably panicking too), and a building superintendent asking us when we would make an end of it.

When I came to, everybody was sitting in a living room (presumably my new one), drinking beer and laughing between complaints of pain and suffering. Pizza had been ordered and was en route. Another friend had arrived and was sliding furniture and boxes around to make the place more hospitable. The cat was even showing signs of settling in.

Then the fire alarm went off.

My brother began laughing almost hysterically, and I think I might have too. The Mrs found the cat and - despite very vocal protests from the latter - got her into the carrier again. We all headed for the fire exit and met our new neighbors on the way out.

Outside we were met with 4 fire trucks and several firefighters with axes and breathing apparatuses (apparati?). My hopes of a false alarm had been dashed. But this is where it gets funny.

Turns out the crazy lady with the porn-star glasses lives in our building. I know this because she was leading a small group of firefighters into the parking garage and talking a mile a minute as they went. I later found out she'd tripped the alarm by driving into a fire sprinkler with her newly rented car.

Everybody in my party thought this was hilarious.

Finally, as things were calming down and we were about to be allowed back into the building, a police cruiser rolled up (as often happens in case of fire). Somebody said "Wouldn't it be funny if it was the same cop?"

As I was chuckling at this possibility, guess who got out of the cruiser. He didn't even look at us.

The next paragraph is the last one. Those who have skipped ahead may resume reading.

I can't speak for everybody present, but at that moment I realized this had not been the worst day of my life. At that moment it had suddenly become the funniest one. We had only lost one dining room chair and a certain amount of pride (both easily restored if one is interested in getting them back). I think one of our drivers has to go to court at some point and pay a fine, but he seems to be at peace with it; we've offered to help him out in any way we can. Nobody had been seriously injured or killed, and I'm sure the neighbors will forget all about it in a week. I know I shall spare no effort in forgetting.

Dictionary? Whatever. Nobody agrees what words mean anyway. So here you go...

JKD: Martial Art created by Master Bruce Lee. Aspect of the Tao. Economy of motion. The path of least resistance. Maximum effect through natural magnification of minimal cause. Why haven't I applied this to every aspect of my life yet? Late bloomer I guess... or not very bright.

Respect: The result (or act) of being true to oneself while selflessly giving. Cousin of (or conjoined twin of) Love.

Change: The act of giving in to FLUX.

Flux: The natural flow of LIFE. The way participants in LIFE trade places and components (for instance, when you eat your vegetables, or when a crocodilian eats YOU). Often painful...

Pain: An illusion based in the willful misinterpretation of electrical impulses throughout the nervous system. In other words, that's not pain; that's your body saying "You did that wrong. Do it again. Do it right this time. I'll let you know if you mess up."

- Emotional/mental stress is often called PAIN, but is only analogous.

Pleasure: Another illusion. This one makes you think you've "arrived" somewhere. Maybe you have, but there's a lot more ground to cover yet. How do you know? You are still alive. PLEASURE is nice, but no need to get carried away.

Time: Arbitrary measurement of CHANGE. Flexible, depending on how much adrenaline (or other drug/hormone/dreamstate) is involved. Also illusive.

Life: Quality of sentience, however simple it might be. Found in animals, plants, algae, bacteria, mushrooms, etc. Some systems of belief include stones, planets, galaxies, the universe, and intangible entities whose existence cannot be conventionally proven. With the possible exception of that last one, LIFE is constantly in a state of FLUX.

Death: Termination point in TIME for LIFE. Without TIME, there is no DEATH. Without LIFE and FLUX there is no TIME. Without TIME there is no... uh...

Love: Source and Summit of LIFE. Major cause of CHANGE in humans and other animals (and also of PAIN, PLEASURE and RESPECT, among numerous other things). Exists outside of TIME, but interferes directly with it; ever heard the expression "TIME slows down when I'm with you"?

I had a point when I started this. Whatever. Gotta go to work.

In Defense of February

Who else hates February? Valentine's Day? Punxatawny Phil? Seasonal Affective Disorder? Snow?

Yes. February sucks. Yes. It is evil and must be stopped. Yes. It is merely a bridge between the despair of January and my birthday. Yes. I hate that I'm a Pisces now and not an Aries. Yes. A ram is cooler than a fish. Yes. I'm way off topic.

Actually, Punxatawny Phil is adorable, like all God's ugly little critters. Snow is temporary, and SAD is intermittent; the Earth's northern hemisphere has been tilting towards the sun for a month and a half now, so the worst really is behind us. Perhaps most importantly, Valentine's Day is just an attempt to organize Spring Fever, and is therefore doomed to failure.

Also, February is the shortest month. Small price for a quick reminder of what life would be without summer (insert John Keats reference here).

Looking on the bright side. Must be the drugs. Or the recognition that life is all about choosing your consequences, and making peace with the negative aspects of getting through life. Or the recent increase in exposure to direct sunlight. Or my discovery that vegetables are edible. The other day I even realized (to my grating chagrin) that there are things about my day-job that I (skin-crawling) kind of like.

Something's messing with the Dark Side here, and I will seek it out.

Meantime, Happy Valentine's Day or whatever.

Who Had a Town & a Rapper Named After Him...

Here's a quote for you. See if you can guess who said it. This is kinda like one of those "You just voted for Hitler" things, but give it a shot anyway:

"I want everybody to feel the same love I feel."

Need a hint? It wasn't Jesus.

Here's one from a few years down the road: "How very much I have tried my best to give you a good life."

Need another one? He was unequivocally bat-shit crazy.

Here's another quote from him, just a few minutes later: "Come on people. Try to die with some dignity."

Give up?

Last clue (and this one's the giveaway): "Drink the fucking Kool-Aid."

Okay, that was paraphrased.

Quick history recap for anybody who doesn't know the story:

Jim Jones was a charismatic social justice leader from Indiana, who moved his whole "People's Temple" to Jonestown, Guyana in 1974. Rumors of physical, psychological and sexual abuse in the community spurred a congressional review, headed up by Congressman Leo Ryan, accompanied by a camera crew from NBC and Greg Robinson of the San Francisco Chronicle, as well as a handful of temple members' relatives.

On November 18th, 1978, Jones ordered the assassination of Congressman Ryan and his entire entourage; fearing the repercussions, he then organized the mass suicide of all his followers. The method? Cyanide-and-sedative-laced Kool-Aid.

Incidentally, his wife fought his security forces til the last of the community's children was dead; then she drank the Kool-Aid herself.

Before that, Jones spoke of love, peace & hope; of establishing an Earthly paradise. This attracted thousands of followers. He was praised by the likes of Rosalyn Carter and Harvey Milk. He even reached out to the Nation of Islam and - after a shaky start - found common ground. He fought for civil rights, and for peace & equality among racial groups. He was compared to Martin Luther King Jr and Albert Einstein by contemporaries. He was apparently every inch the Peacemaker everyone wanted.

Make no mistake; Jones' followers had no idea what they were getting into. They were people of principle and good intention. Maybe Jones was too; just lacked your basic run-of-the-mill sanity.

When Jones' body was examined, it was found that he was killed with a single gunshot wound to the head. It was not self-inflicted. His son later said "I think he could not bear the thought of going out the same way he was seeing everybody else go... and lacked the courage to do it himself."

He's just an extreme example of human frailty, really. There are other examples of this kind of frailty on even larger scales that have brought entire nations - even continents - to their collective knees... but those examples have been a little overused lately; I think you know the names already.

It's really hard to remain open to the innate goodness of humanity in the face of tragedies like this. Really easy to give up, let the jade cover your skin and simply survive the disaster we call The Human Condition. Yet somehow hope continues to grow in my life, seeing the good in the everyday work and play of people I know; people who make the world better in small ways, trusting the ripple effect. These aren't heroes the way we're used to celebrating heroes; they are the best kind.

But the next time you hear somebody talking about "Earthly Paradise" or "eliminating all society's ills" or whatever, I reckon the best advice is to run for your fucking life.